It’s almost summer, which means wedding season is upon us! Who doesn’t love the celebration of love, and of course, the added bonus of party jollof and small chops?appetizers As much as we love weddings, there are some ridiculousness that interfere with our excitement for them. Dear bride and groom (and the wedding party), before we start booking our makeup and geleNigerian head gear for your wedding, please promise us that you won’t be guilty any of the following seven offenses.
1. Starting late. Because you know, all of the 11 months that you spent planning the wedding was not enough, you need more time on the actual wedding day. Or perhaps you forgot what time the wedding was supposed to start? AbiOr how else do you explain leaving all your guests waiting for two hours in a church, and showing up late to your own wedding – the day you’ve dreamed of all your life?! Ko wa okayIt is not okay, and my post, my tailor made me late, explains why.
2. Dragging the event. Okay, it’s bad enough that the wedding started late, but please, I beg you with a free honeymoon or whatever it is that you want, just don’t let the whole event draaaaag. I shouldn’t need to sacrifice my entire Saturday just because you are getting married. And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about, because both you and your wedding planner decided it was a good idea to have a violinist, then a live band concert, followed by a poem read by your maid of honor, and then a video of your childhood, all before we get fed at your wedding reception. Bruh!
3. The never ending cocktail “hour”. Please don’t make me have to choose between suffering to stand in my stiletto heels for three hours, or looking like the Ekaetepopular name for cleaning maid of the party in my comfortable flip-flops. After much wondering, I’ve finally discovered why it takes forever and a half for guests to be let into the reception hall these days; the couple is busy taking a first look at the hall, which entails…you guessed it…a photo shoot and video coverage of the said first look of, not the bride, but the reception hall!
That’s like acting a full blown movie while we stand in the lobby eating some oyellyoily puff-puff (which by all means, we are totally here for, because #teamsmallchops). It baffles me why this is even a thing. I guess if I had spent $100k on my wedding reception decorations, I would understand why couples take so long mesmerizing at an empty hall.
4. Unfair expectations. If me and you and the rest of your family live in Baltimore, and you decide to have your wedding in Singapore, I will be excited for you, but it is presumptuous to EXPECT that I will attend your wedding. I think destination weddings are a great idea, and to be fair, most people choose this route to avoid a huge crowd. But there are some that will just be vexing for nothing if you say you cannot attend.
Listen bro and sis, your Singapore wedding may not fit into my budget, or I may already have other vacation plans, so I will congratulate you both when you return, and get you a nice gift from your wedding registry. The same principle of unfair expectations also applies to aso-ebi.A uniform fabric worn by wedding guests Don’t sell a $50 fabric for $500 and start whining that your friends are not supporting you. Ko nice.Not nice
5. The sexy garter. Once upon a time, tossing the garter meant that the groom gently pulls the garter from his bride and tosses it, or waves it, or puts it in the trash, who cares? Then the guests clap, say aaaww, and the wedding reception continues.
Nowadays, the garter toss has turned into a scene out of an R rated movie. I promise, I’m not making this stuff up; just watch what the ridiculousness in the video above. The DJ plays some seductive tunes to set tone, the groom crawls all the way under his bride and proceeds to make some snake-like body movements while the bride throws her head back and struggles to keep a normal face. Una get mind o!How brave! All of this happens right in front of mommy and daddy, and even grandma and grandpa; no atom of itiju rarashame. Kontinu.Continue
6. The over-sabidoing too much bridal party. I get it; it’s your best friend’s wedding, and you want to turn up and be hype and what not. But some of the entrance dances these days are so tacky, they’ve got me holding my breath, praying that the bridesmaid’s strapless bra doesn’t fly out where she’s jiggling everything, or that the groomsman’s extra fitted pants don’t rip apart.
Seriously, when did we start dancing like we’ve lost our minds, shaking bombom upandanup and down and grinding in front of uncles and aunties, and even your spouse in the audience? ApostuApostle must hear of this.
7. Wasteful spending. We need to stop the madness that weddings have become. Kilode? God does not like asejuexcessiveness. One person does one thing, and the next person thinks of the next big thing to top it and it keeps going on and on until it has now become pure absurdity.
If you are planning your wedding, be mindful not to overspend on things that will end up in the trash, only for you to go back to paying your student loans after the wedding. People don’t remember how expensive your wedding was; they remember experience, and experience doesn’t have to be expensive.
I get that it’s your special day; the day you’ve dreamed of all your life. But don’t make your special day a nightmare for your guests by doing any of the things I listed above. Why not focus your efforts on a beautiful experience, for both you and your guests? It’s simple; make your wedding romantic and uniquely personal to you, and ensure that your guests enjoy themselves.
Do you also find these things ridiculous, or am I just being a party pooper?